Friendship, Courtship And Marriage

by Toms, A. F. | Category: Relationships | Jan 1983

Our subject carries us in a broad sweep from adolescence to old age. One of the experiences of growing up is to find ourselves attracted to the company of the opposite sex. This is a God-given provision, just another of His many gifts to us. In the purposes of God the time comes in many lives when friendship blossoms into a deeper relationship. We become aware of a special feeling for a particular person and a period of courtship begins. This can ultimately lead to marriage. Each relationship brings its own blessing, but each has to be worked at if it is to be as enriching and meaningful to ourselves and others as God intends it should be. Yes, others! We write that intentionally, for there is no doubt that in each relationship there is someone else beside ourself to be helped.

The love of self is deeply embedded in our old nature. But as disciples of the Lord Jesus we follow a Master who calls us to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily. On that cross self is to be reckoned dead, and to make this possible the Holy Spirit has come to indwell us. By His help we overcome our selfish tendencies and learn to count each other better than ourselves. On this subject the Scriptures are replete with guidance.

Friendship

The apostle Paul deals tersely with relationships between young people and older people in churches of God: "... the younger men as brethren: the older women as mothers; the younger as sisters, in all purity" (1 Tim. 5:1,2). From the terms used it is obvious that relationships in the church are to be conducted on the lines of family life. A young man should treat a girl as he would want other men to treat his own sister. And, similarly, the young women are to look upon the young men as brothers.

Mr. T.M. Hyland wrote two excellent articles in "Needed Truth" during 1951 entitled "Companionship" and "Courtship". In one he said:

There are few more pleasant sights than to see young disciples of both sexes mixing together naturally and freely and enjoying that happy fellowship and companionship which is not only desirable but is also a valuable influence in their spiritual development. This fellowship and companionship should be free from undue familiarity and should never overstep the bounds of Christian propriety. I mention here one danger of early adolescence ... the tendency to "pair off" and drift into premature courtship without due consideration of what is involved in such an important step. It is a dangerous situation when two young people of the opposite sex are found ardently seeking each other's company, giving presents, writing love-letters, making appointments - all this without having given serious thought to what they are doing or where they are drifting. If, as is frequently the case, one of them eventually desires to terminate the relationship, then the results to the other may be very distressing. The advice offered is, do not drift into an attachment.

The italics are Mr. Hyland's and obviously he would have agreed that there comes a time when the forming of an attachment is perfectly proper, but only when both sides are assured that this is the will of God for them. Until that time it is well to be friendly with all young people rather than singling out one for special attention. This may seem a high ideal. It is. But why not aim for the highest?

But some may feel that the standard is higher than they can reach and often the objection is advanced that it is not possible to get to know a person sufficient~ well for a life-time commitment without first singling out him or her for particular friendship. If that be so and a friendship matures before the Lord's will is clear, let it be on the mutual understanding that it is not binding on either side. And knowing how quickly affections can be stirred let there be a frequent reminder of the basis of the friendship, and at the same time earnest prayer that the Lord will make His will clear.

Courtship

"I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will counsel thee with Mine eye upon thee" (Psalm 32:8). This is the timeless promise of God's word. How thankful we are that we can claim such a promise with as much confidence as those to whom it was first written. Does it not apply to the important decision regarding one's life partner? Most certainly it does. If we genuinely desire God's guidance and seek it earnestly in prayer, we can claim the promise, "I will instruct thee ... I will guide thee". How often have we had cause to thank God for the divinely strong "I Will".

The time will come when beyond all doubt we will know that the man or girl we love is the partner of God's choice for us and according to the culture of many lands there is now no reason why we should not be seen together. We enter a new phase in our relationship and once again we want to glorify God in it. "Keep thyself pure" (1 Tim. 5:22) and "in all purity" (1 Tim. 5:2) are commandments binding upon us all. If this is our unwavering standard through courtship days we shall come to our happy wedding day with the smile of God's approval. And nothing can take the place of that.

Marriage

Marriage is the highest human relationship. It was conceived in the heart of God Himself and He presided over the first marriage. The scriptural reference is beautiful in its simplicity. Of the woman which the Lord God made the Bible says, He "brought her unto the man". And Adam in evident knowledge of how she had been formed said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh". Then God said, and in this there is a wealth of instruction on the marriage relationship, "therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24).

The fact that these words were quoted by the Lord Jesus and the apostle Paul emphasizes their importance. They divide themselves into three parts, summed up by the words leave, cleave and one flesh. "Leave" is the public side of marriage, when a man leaves his parents' home and setting up his own, takes to himself a bride with whatever ceremony the law of his country requires. This is the beginning of marriage in the sight of God and man. "Cleave" is the "glueing" word, telling of love and faithfulness deep in the heart which binds the partners together. And "one flesh" speaks not only of the physical union resulting, but of two lives linked together as joint-heirs of the grace of life.

The Lord intends that every marriage should be a reflection of that perfect eternal relationship which He has planned between Christ and His Bride. "this mystery is great," wrote the apostle Paul, "but I speak in regard of Christ and of the church" (Eph. 5:32). If that is to be seen as God intends it to be, we shall need to work at the relationship at three levels.

The physical side of marriage must not be neglected by either partner, except it be by consent for a season. The apostle's clear instruction about this is found in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

The spiritual side of married life has to be nurtured also, and in this the Christian husband should give a lead. The apostles Peter and Paul both refer specifically to the prayer life of husband and wife (1 Pet. 3:7; 1 Cor. 7:5). Christian husbands and wives must ensure that some time is set apart each day for the Lord to speak to them, and they to the Lord. And that not only in times of family crisis when they are driven to their knees, but constantly as a daily habit.

And thirdly there are the things of daily interest which husband and wife must learn to share together. The building up of a home and the coming of a family are obvious things which bind a husband and wife together, but there are other things which also must be used to develop a sense of togetherness. God's instructions to Israel when a man first took a wife was that he was to be free at home for the first year to cheer his wife (Deut. 24:5). Obviously there was the thought of adjustment, the blending of two lives together, of common interests to be shared. Let believing husbands be alert to this responsibility and let it be a continuing thing in their married lives. It has been said that if the little considerations shown in courtship days were carried over into marriage there would be fewer breakdowns. Husbands must not take their wives for granted, but remembering they are a precious gift from God, they must nourish and cherish them, even as Christ also the church.

A good sense of communication between the partners must be maintained and learning to share together in as many of life's experiences as possible. This is vital. We recall that it was when Adam and Eve were apart, for whatever reason, the adversary gained the advantage. It is sadly possible to become so busy, even in the Lord's work, that marriage becomes starved of love. Why does Solomon's song begin as it does, "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth"? One reason might be as a reminder that the kiss of a husband means much to his wife.

Solomon's temple was dominated by two great pillars which gave strength to his building. And the strength of a Christian home lies in the dual instruction twice repeated which sums up everything that might be said. "Wives, be in subjection to your husband, as in fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (Col. 3:18,19). This is "agape" love which has been shed abroad in our hearts through the Holy Spirit and it grows as the Holy Spirit takes control of our lives. It is the love that is spelled out for us in 1 Corinthians 13, that suffers long and is kind. It is sacrificial love that puts a wife's pleasure and well-being before one's own. It involves a man's will as well as his emotions. When that sort of love prevails, it becomes a pleasure for a wife to be subject to her husband, and the combined result is plain for all to see. In these days of lowering standards when home and family life are under constant attack, could there be anything more lovely to show to the world? To all husbands and wives we write. Let us not be satisfied with any lower standard, for the Lord's sake.

Toms, A. F. | Jan 1983
Relationships